October 29, 2010

I have such difficulties writing out what I feel. Although I know I want to but every time I type it all out I just eventually hit the backspace button. If and only if feelings could just be erased with a single backspace, I think I'd be fine.

But I think I should try writing this out. So, I'll start as Mei once told me way back when. I feel sad. It's so many things really. I know I'm not good enough, I'm not working hard enough. I'm sad how there are people who only see things they want to see and not really what's going on underneath. I'd say "siapa makan cili terasa pedasnya" but I don't think he'll notice. I'm sad because I am constantly reminded of Arwah Auntie Oni. Yes, I pray for her all the time. As much as I try to shut these feelings out, they'll just keep coming back. I remember how the last taxi ride I took was with her, I remember how there was a sketch I did while I was with her in the hospital. I remember how she'd enjoy having me over her house. I remember how I was just like her own daughter. I remember how that one Raya, I went back with her to KL.

God, why am I talking about this. Forget about it, okay. I don't know why I did this in the first place. It's so pathetic, really.

Ya Allah, I'm sorry.

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